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Coping with grief & loss

A resource for those coping with grief and the loss of a loved one shortly.

This is a relatively new page on this site - please do make suggestions of other
resources that you would find helpful.


Coping With A Funeral
By Sharon Jacobsen

When the death of a loved one occurs, regardless or whether it was expected or
not, you will find yourself having to deal with a great number of people. Some
you will know closely, others may be complete strangers; all will be claiming
some kind of relationship to the deceased.

Whilst grieving for your loved one you may find yourself not wanting contact with
anybody other than those to whom you are closest. Having to deal with so many
people can be very difficult so it's important to understand how to handle them.

Relatives and Close Friends

Those who were close to the deceased need to be contacted before the funeral.
When you break the news, remember that they will also need the chance to
express their grief and this must be respected, no matter how deeply distressed
you are feeling yourself.

Sometimes it can be difficult, if not impossible, to trace certain family members.
Don't feel guilty if you've not been able to contact all of them.

Some of those who you'll need to contact may be people who you do not know
personally. If they come to the funeral and you have not been able to speak to
them properly it would be a good idea to write or telephone them later, to thank
them for attending.

The Small Funeral

Perhaps you have decided on a small funeral, either through your own personal
preference or because the deceased made their own preference clear. Perhaps
the financial side of the funeral will force you into this decision. Make the
decision clear and stick to it.

You may find that some friends or relatives insist on attending even after you've
explained this to them. Be polite but firm. Explain that you appreciate their wish
to attend, but that it is a family decision to enforce such a restriction. If they still
insist, they are simply being insensitive and you may have to take a different
approach. You might tell them that the date of the funeral has not yet been
decided and leave things at that. Whatever you do, don't allow anyone to
emotionally blackmail you into changing your decision. And don't feel guilty if
you need to lie. They are being insensitive, and you are simply trying to deal
with matters as best you can.

Polite Conversation

Unless the funeral is very small it will probably be impossible for you to speak to
all of the attendees. Don't even try. Most people will understand that you are not
going to feel like making polite conversation. You will find that those will any
degree of sensitivity will simply approach you, kiss your cheek/shake your hand
and offer their condolences. They will not expect more than you are able to offer.

The Wake

Most people organize some form of refreshment after the funeral. This can be a
good way of accepting condolences from those you were unable to speak with
during the actual service. By offering refreshments you are showing that you are
willing to share your grief with those who are also suffering through their own
loss.

Enlist the help of a friend or two. You may feel that you will be able to cope but
having support close by will be very helpful should you find that you are feeling
too upset to appear.

The Will

It's an unfortunate fact that funerals can often bring out the worst in people.
Some of the most long-lasting family arguments have started at a funeral, with
squabbles over who should get what. You may find yourself surprised at just
who is able to throw themselves into such arguments, even though they are in
the midst of their own grief.

You may find yourself being quizzed at the graveside. People can be very clever
in their approach, offering condolences and then adding the innocent question
of what the deceased has left to whom. You may also find yourself the target of
malicious comments regarding your 'improved financial situation'. There can be
more hidden rivalry within families than most would imagine.

You mustn't allow yourself to be drawn into arguments. Simply pretend to ignore
any unwanted comments and questions. If they persist, explain that you are far
too upset to think about such matters at the moment and that if they've been
mentioned in the will then they will be contacted in due course.

In the case of a will never having been made and where there is any
disagreement regarding who has the right to what, explain that you will appoint a
solicitor to handle the estate and explain, as above, that they will be contacted in
due course.

The Following Days

Some people find themselves terribly alone in the days following the funeral,
whereas others feel that they never have any time to themselves to grieve.
Remember that others cannot read your mind anymore than you can read
theirs, they're simply doing what they believe to be right.

If they choose to stay away, they are probably doing so out of respect for your
privacy. If they choose to spend as much time as possible with you, this will be
because they fear for your ability to cope alone. Explain to them what your
needs are. If you need people around you, phone some friends and ask them to
visit. If you need to be alone, explain this politely and ask if you may phone them
should you need their company. You'll find that most people are very
accommodating as long as they understand your needs.

The loss of a loved one is never easy and nobody will ever expect it to be. For
some the funeral seems to pass as just a hazy memory, leaving a feeling of guilt
at not remembering the details of this last farewell. Remember that it's the
memories you have of the person when alive that are important, and it's these
that will remain clear to you in the future. During deep grief it can be very difficult
to grasp details of what's happening but this does not mean you didn't care.
Quite the opposite in fact.

About The Author

Sharon grew up in East London but moved to Norway at the age of 19, returning
to England in 1998. She now lives in Cheshire with her partner and two of her
three children. Besides writing, she is currently studying Social Science with The
Open University, runs a web site where women in the UK can meet other women
for platonic friendship (www.friendsyourway.co.uk ), potters in her garden, knits
and reads everything she comes over.

s.jacobsen@friendsyourway.co.uk

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Sharon_Jacobsen

I came across this poem which describes most eloquently the process of grief for
a loved one.

Grief
By Saundra L. Washington

I didn't know a heart could die
before it stopped beating.
I didn't know a life could cease
before it stopped breathing.

I didn't know how devastation
could wend a living soul
I didn't know how death could make
one lose all self control.

I didn't know the pain of loss
was so intense and sharp.
I didn't know the depth of void
death leaves within the heart.

I didn't know how often tears
would redden hurting eyes.
I didn't know how hard it was
to say one's last good-bye's.

I didn't know that pain would come
and go as it well pleased.
I didn't know that joy is scarce
to those who are bereaved.

I didn't know that time would stop
and meaning cease to be.
I didn't know that friends would pray
but shy away from me.

I didn't know how difficult
to get the whole night through.
I didn't know the strength it took
for simple tasks to do.

I didn't know that as time pass
slowly, the pain subsides.
I didn't know what I thought was lost
still in my heart resides.

Now I know a little spark,
somehow in me remained.
Now I know that someway,
my life will be sustained.

Now I know the feelings felt,
were all a part of grief.
Now I know how fervent prayer
helped me to find relief.

So rest assured my unknown friends,
though healing comes real slow.
It actually does get better
for now, I truly know.

Yes I survived my loved one death
that occurred this time last year.
I feel the loss and always will
but the pain's much less severe.


Rev. Saundra L. Washington, D.D., is an ordained clergywoman, social worker,
and Founder of AMEN Ministries. http://www.clergyservices4u.org She is also the
author of two coffee table books: Room Beneath the Snow: Poems that Preach
and Negative Disturbances: Homilies that Teach. Her new book, Out of Deep
Waters: A Grief Healing Workbook, will be available soon.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Saundra_L._Washington



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Blessings,
Jen